Why am I making another blog? It doesn't really matter. No one reads the ones I've abandoned. (Now I'm craving Fruity Pebbles) Let's face facts here: I'm a loser. I'm unpopular in real life, and I am unpopular on the internet. But I need to vent, so I'm doing this. The one thing I've consistently had going for me had always been my writing. Unfortunately I am in a writer's coma, because I cannot produce two lines of a poem.
Anywho, the point of me doing this blog is to cope. I have Bipolar disorder. I'm not yet 18 (my birthday is February 20th) so the papers don't say bipolar. They say 'mood disorder.' Whatever.
I'm in love with a guy I've been dating for a year now, and though it's not easy for him to open up, he's done tremendously well opening up to me. I, on the other hand can't say the same about myself. Today we have decided to fix that problem with bzoink.com surveys. I answer the questions and send them to him. He also asks more questions when I say things, which help a lot.
I have to tell you the truth. It's helping him feel closer to me, but I've got my guard up, which is blocking my feelings for him. I know I love him, but I'm so afraid of him finding out I'm not all that fantastic. At the end of our relationship mending, I will no longer be a mystery to him.
I know what you're thinking. How can we be a couple for a year without him knowing things about me. He does know things. He just doesn't know my deepest fears, and thoughts and all that other crap. Nor does my therapist, whom I've been seeing for two years.
Let me tell you some things about me. I have many interests, and they run in cycles. One interest is dolls, one is building my website, one is photography. It works this way: I can't focus on all of them at once (obviously) and I'm not good at doing them all throughout a day. So for a week or more, I'm pulled more towards one thing, then that's over, and it's on to the next. It keeps going like that. My goal is to be able to work on my website and photography everyday, even if just for a little bit, and still be able to enjoy my dolls. (I don't play with them the way little kids do, just so you know) Starting tomorrow, along with the writing about my day, I will add one photo I shot, and tell you one thing I did to work on my website, no matter how small.
My next goal is to update this blog at least every other day, to help me sort things out, and understand what I'm feeling. Even if I am the only one reading this.
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